Having just purged my Facebook profile of over 2500 “friends,” and deactivated my Twitter profile at 50K followers and 2K lists, I’ve learned a lot about the definition of a friend. According to Webster’s (yes, I am old fashioned and use a real dictionary, get over it!), a friend is the following:
- One attached to another by affection or esteem.
- One that is not hostile.
- One that is of the same nation, party or group
- A favored companion
Now that really is a pretty broad and very generous description particularly when it comes to social media. I believe that friends are those with whom we share common values, beliefs, and experiences whether real or virtual. I also believe that friends do not pitch or sell us. Friends stay in touch with us. Decorating your Facebook page with pretty faces, just because (there are really peeps who do this) isn’t what being friends is about.
I’ve witnessed a lot of non-friend like behavior from many and want to dish the five top ways to lose friends and alienate people.
#1 Send anonymous, generic, impersonal invites to someone you want to be friends with. This is what I call “Drive-By Friending,” it is the equivalent of whistling to someone on the street and thereby letting them know of your interest. Huh? Either send a personal note or don’t invite them. Twitter is the only network that doesn’t have a way to do this, so when you follow someone, why not send a tweet saying, “I enjoy your tweets, following you,” or something to that effect. Stop being anonymous in social media.
#2 Collect friends based solely on the number of “friends” you have in common. This is a ridiculous measure of meaningful relationships. Yes, I did use this as a guide over two years ago when I began on Facebook. Then I realized how incredibly meaningless and random it really is. While we all know that today there are generally no more than three degrees (no longer the Kevin Bacon six) between any two people, arbitrarily deciding to friend based on number of friends in common makes no sense. Find out more, do your research and make it meaningful or don’t friend.
#3 Inviting friends based on their looks alone. Well I guess this has been done since the dawn of time and will probably be done until time stops. It is still shallow, superficial and meaningless. It isn’t name dropping it is “Face Dropping.” The term “beautiful people” shouldn’t be about the Hollywood starlets and political celebs but instead a measure of the depth of someone’s interior beauty, gratitude, and loving spirit.
#4 Pitching instead of building a relationship that precludes a pitch. In my case, it was someone I recognized who instant messaged me with a pitch. UGH! This person had no relationship with me (I’ve since unfriended as I let him slip by when I was less selective, lol.) And yet he was comfortable wasting my time with a pitch. The funny thing is that if he’d begun building the relationship, it is likely that I’d have wanted to know more about him and found out what he does and considered doing business. He led with a pitch, not a relationship. Social media is about being social, not about selling.
#5 Believing that numbers matter; they don’t! I can say this from a place of true experience. When I first jumped into soci
al media I was taught by folks who were truly plugged in (so I thought) to accept everyone as a friend and follower. Say no to no one. What a crazy way to do it. It filled my Twitter followers with unengaged noise, and my Facebook with meaningless names and faces that didn’t interact. YUCK! It has never been a numbers game but all about engagement. Those who have sought me out and whom I have sought out have created meaningful reciprocal relationships that support and nurture us both. The rest, fugetaboutit! It is never how many, simply how HOT!
Five real friends will take you farther than 500 meaningless names and anonymous faces. Get real in your social media experience. Stop building an empty following, know that when you are yourself and let go of how you think you should be, you will find the diamonds among the stones.
I can also say that I have an unnatural and unnecessary feeling of responsibility toward my Tweeps and my Peeps, so imagine the burden that 50K followers felt like to me. It was crazy really. I interacted with about 200 on a regular basis and really enjoyed them but the rest not so much and it was time to change that.
Your comments count! I welcome your stories about your social media experience and what it means to you.
Great post Melissa – I agree that it’s all too easy to end up following/being followed by many, many peeps that you have no relationship with whatsoever. Brave to “un-friend” so many, but the relationships you now have will be truly real.
Kate
Kate,
Absolutely and I can’t tell you how much more fun and rewarding the experience is now. Yahoo! Great lessons to learn and share.
Thanks a million for commenting, Melissa
I couldn’t agree more. I have been silently following you for a couple of years now, was totally inept with computers and social media. I still don’t tweet, and really dislike when I see random tweet-sent(is that even a term?) on Facebook. I don’t care if you are just leaving to have lunch with someone!
Just wanted to say that I have tried to use your advise, and it has certainly been helpful. I invite you to look at my website and blogs, and let me know your honest opinion. And remember, I admit to being a novice.
Donna,
Great to hear from you. You can never go wrong by being yourself always. Don’t allow the noise to distract or frustrate you. It is just noise.
I’d be delighted to review your blog and sites, but know an opinion isn’t as valuable as an assessment and steps to move forward. When you are interested, I’m here to serve you.
Hugs, Melissa
Melissa!
Good morning!
I was laughing all the way through your 5 steps, and a couple of times I saw myself being an offender! No longer, though!
Thanks!
Reece,
You are far too cool a guy to be an offender. Be yourself and you’ll find friends flocking.
Hugs, Melissa
Loved it Melissa. I recently told someone that when it comes to this whole on line friend thing…I see it as no different then ON LIFE friend thing. I gladly choose quality over quantity every day. : ) Fab article…thanks for sharing!
hugs,
gina
Gina,
You are soooo right and we are way overdue on a catch up. Let’s get the three of us together (Jessie too).
Hugs, Melissa
Melissa, how brave you are to come so clean with your following. It takes a shift in your point of view to “see” things into which you have been so invested as not being as useful as you once thought. I applaud your honesty and willingness to share the good, bad and the ugly. I don’t feel so “mean” now by only allowing genuine friends or peeps by referral. I am not in any competition for numbers but must always beat back the feeling that I am imposing limitations needlessly. You validate me. Thank you so much. You know I adore you and this insight from you makes me love you even more.
Sally,
Never feel mean, I went through that and still feel “funny” when I ignore requests, but with no personal invite, they are drive by friendings and meaningless really.
Hugs, Melissa
Melissa…very good reminder points. I agree with the point that on line friending is no different then face to face friending. In those good old days, we would never accept or keep the business card of the person who shoved it in our face before even talking to us. Doing business with someone meant we knew them, trusted them, had a relationship, would gladly recommend them and refer them to a trusted colleague. Why is it that even thought we really know this, we get so caught up in the need to friend everyone. I have also recenlty been more carefully looking at who I connect with on any site: friends we share, how their profile looks, what kind of conversations they engage in, and then decide. And yes, quality gets a lot more than quantity.
Hey Louise,
Yes, it seems somehow that being online we forget the guidelines for business we’d use offline, and just go into collecting mode. It is entirely unproductive and not particularly satisfying. It can also be a recipe for hangers on and coat tail riders. Selective works best!
You have it figured out. Yahoo :).
Hugs, Melissa
I completely agree Melissa! I’ve spent hours recently (and will continue to do so) ‘unfollowing’ many of the people on Twitter. I realized that a large number of them instantly ‘unfollowed’ me after getting me to follow them and they fill my timeline with useless information. It’s a long and tedious process but I’m glad that I’m taking the time to do it.
Thanks for a great article!
Nita,
There are some tools you can use that may save you time in this arduous process. Look at http://www.manageflitter.com and see if that doesn’t help a bit.
I applaud your purging.
Hugs, Melissa
Melissa, I LOVE this program! Thank you so much — it’s been a lifesaver!
Hello Melissa.
.
I´ve been following you on the net , (your newsletter), for more than a year now. The reason is that I like the way you look at
business, and your very nice way to communicate about it.
Being rather new in the online business, I´m looking for ways to improve what I get out of it, and I believe social networking could be one way.
Your writing about friendship was really an eye opener for me, as I had the impression that most people wants thousands of followers and friends.
Yikes you mean I missed one? I am sorry.
I’m glad I can be an eye opener and a time saver. It wasn’t a mistake and I got recognition but it was a detour for me and not a main focus.
Stay focused and you’ll get the gold ring!
Hugs, Melissa
Hello again Melissa !
My comment went without beeing ready, so for now a big hug and looking forward to go farther with you
Erik, a dane living in Portugal
I was shocked when I heard that you deleted your accounts with such huge following, Melissa, but only for about 5 seconds. I’ve been coming to the same conclusion that quality trumps quantity any day!
Anne,
I had quality in that 50K, but not enough to warrant the ridiculous feeling of responsibility I had.
Less is more in this case and most folks have understood and refollowed me if they wanted to @melissagalt.
Hugs, Melissa
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