Have you ever noticed how you can feel really confident on many levels, but just one unsuccessful experience will suddenly translate into you are a failure at everything? It’s crazy really, but sometimes it takes just one pivotal challenge to suddenly rattle your confidence in ways you didn’t even think were possible.
It Can’t Happen to Me
I teach mindset, motivation, and marketing for a living and yet I am still subject to this kind of not so subtle and always surprising self sabotage. Since I’ve bungee jumped and tandem sky dived, I consider myself pretty fearless when it comes to extreme adventures of the very short kind (no trekking in the Himalayas for me, I want to be done by dinner!) I’d been putting off scuba diving for the last four years and knew I needed, not just wanted, to conquer it. So I recently spent a week in Bonaire, a tropical island off the coast of South America, with clients whose home I’d designed in the blind over four years ago.
They’ve been inviting me ever since they moved in and got finished, but I always found something else I had to do. I finally ran out of excuses and decided to take the plunge and move this from my Bucket List to my skill list. It was a rocky start since the guy at Seaventure Scuba Shop in Alpharetta opened with “there are hundreds of ways to die while diving.” Never a good opener. I got a full scuba suit, mask, snorkel, fins and more to take down there with me.
When I jumped online to begin the classroom learning portion, I found myself drowning in a sea of terminology, equipment, rules, and a whole lot more that I found overwhelming, intimidating, and occasionally frustrating. While I may have graduated from a top university, it was a few too many years ago to count and the word quiz and exam struck terror in my heart, as I rapidly translated that to opportunity to fail (in school, anything less than an A or 90 was failure to me, tough to break those perfectionist boundaries.)
The Calm Before the Storm
I arrived on a Saturday and was lulled into a pleasant state of relax by no real schedule beyond dinner at six o’clock nightly at a different eatery, often seaside. By Tuesday my in pool lessons began in earnest and while I was learning the finer points of how to attach and operate all of the (life saving) equipment, I was also struggling with the art of equalization.
Now, anyone who knows me would no doubt chuckle at this idea since I’ve always joked that what makes my world work so well is that I see everything slightly askew and out of balance. I prefer asymmetry to symmetry and never play by the rules. Equalization in diving is a critical life skill, if you can’t equalize, you can’t dive. It’s that simple. I couldn’t equalize. I tried pinching my nose and blowing against my mask, jiggling my jaw, pretend yawning with my mouth closed, nothing worked. Failure.
A Glass Half Empty
And suddenly I found myself looking at my life through gray colored lens, glass nearly empty instead of my usual rainbow colored lens with my glass overflowing. I could only bring to mind any other “failures” I’d experienced including but not limited to making a winning goal for the wrong team in fourth grade soccer, getting C’s in my many college accounting classes, not getting a particular project some eight years ago and a host more. Ridiculous stuff to hang onto but I was firmly entrenched in that mental replay of what I couldn’t get right.
What turned the tide was a long and unexpected conversation with a friend who simply kept asking me what I’d done right and pointing out an entire litany of achievements for me to focus on. Most importantly she snagged me on my word choices, ironically something I typically pride myself on and am forever correcting others. I’d fallen into my own rabbit hole of negative self talk. I’d lost the treasure of who I am and was focused on the missing pieces and the disintegrating sunken bits. Not very pretty.
Breaking Patterns
By shifting my language and eliminating the word “but” so I could break the ugly pattern I’d indulged in that evening of “yeah, but” every fifth word, I was able to snap out of my bad attitude, my failure face, and open anew the window to my treasure. By morning when I did check email, there was a two line life saving message from a friend I’ve not seen in five years but is a master diver. The tip shared allowed me to equalize in a few hours (betting the claritin helped too though I wasn’t congested) and begin my diving experience with new enthusiasm.
I’m betting what I’ve shared here isn’t brand new to you. I’m also betting that you may not have a friend at the ready to help you snap out your negative self talk or even hold up that invaluable mirror so you can see what you are doing. Consider this your mirror and learn the gift of snapping yourself out of this space. Take a piece of paper and begin a list of all you have accomplished. Be sure to include personal as well as business milestone, marriages (and divorces!), children, trips taken, promotions garnered, projects won, clients wowed, and more. Keep this list with you and add to it. This is your treasure list. It isn’t about ego but instead it is about chronicling the visible parts of your buried treasure.
Finding Your Buried Treasure
The list is a simple reminder of the treasure you are, the treasure you have created, and the treasure you bring. Never, never forget that. It matters not what you can or cannot do, it only matters how you perceive that and whether you let that stall you out or incite you to new heights. As a new diver, I’m really not supposed to go beyond 60 feet, and yet my week closed with a dive to 94 feet in a sunken wreck. How totally cool and I equalized multiple times on the way down.
My view is still a bit askew, I like it that way, but my rainbow lens are squarely back in place and my glass is once again overflowing no matter what comes my way. How about you?
My maths teacher told me I was ‘splendidly unscientific’ so I got an A in the A-Level. It has taken me a number of decades to convince the authorities that I am really not scientifically predisposed – but now I’m my own best teacher.
Glad you got back refreshed and tingling with achievement.
🙂 Katrina
Hey Katrina!
Betting you are very scientific, just in poetic ways, lol.
Always great to hear from you.
Hugs, Melissa
Thanks for reminding me of the value of introspection, inspection, and neutral buoyancy! You are amazing!
Carol,
You are welcome always! Diving is about far more than just getting under the sea . . .
Hugs, Melissa
WooHoo to you, Melissa! for getting past your funk and for sharing it with us so that we can benefit from your lesson as well!
I bet you are still “high” on that feeling you get when you’ve mastered something that seemed so elusive!
Have a beautiful week!
Thanks Kathleen,
Yes, have to confess it has been a bit of a trial coming back to “reality.” I miss the deep blue see and moonlit evenings.
Hugs, Melissa
Congrats Melissa!!! So glad you were able to work through, equalizing is not always easy. Diving opened a whole new world to me some time ago, however I have not been in several years because my husband had a mild bending hit. We’ve planned a trip with friends to Cozumel in November so we will be getting back in the water soon, Nitrox and special precautions for my husband. I’m most certain there will be anxiety involved for both of us. Any signs of trouble in the pool or lake and we’ll have a great time on our trip without diving.
I’m feeling like my glass is pretty full lately!!! May your cup runneth over!!!
Thanks for sharing!
Take care,
Leslie
Thanks Leslie,
Yes, I have to say this is the only sport I’ve tried with such hesitation. So many rules and a surprising amount of skill involved. I thought bungee was daring, but doesn’t come close!
Goodluck on your next trip, keep me posted. Cozumel is on my list.
Hugs, Melissa
Melissa,
Thanks for the great reminder of how we can be our own biggest enemy. Our inner voice is the most convincing one we hear because who knows us better than we do? However, we can get stuck in a rut of criticism, false criticism, actually. Congratulations on breaking out and breaking through. It’s hard to imagine (yet encouraging to me to know you get tripped up, too) that you needed to be reminded of what you so effectively teach others! Much happiness to you as you dive deep, soar high and keep your glass overflowing!
Smiles,
Mary
Mary,
What a treat to hear from you! I am by no means immune to the sabotage of negative thinking, just rare (lots of practice) to get this badly sideswiped. So glad I had a friend wiser than I and willing to help me snap out of it.
Hugs, Melissa
Now the asymmetry really surprises me:) But the frankness doesn’t. Amongst your many achievements is one that , in my view, distinguishes you from the great mass of super-sucessful-mega-ego gurus out there by your ability to be leading the field and utterly humble simultaneously. Bravo.
As for the pesky voices…yes I’m having to turn down a few too. Oddly , I can have the most brilliant vision or insight and then be brought to tears, feeling like the worst mother inthe world, by my hormonal teenager.
May our treasure boxes keep overflowing with the glass:)
Hugs
Jenni P
Jenni,
I’m guessing I had a similar effect on my mom as a teenager, yuck. I did grow out of it, yours will too.
Thanks for your kind words and generous praise! I actually want to eliminate the voices, not just turn them down, lol.
Hugs, Melissa
How can I ‘equalize’ my life?
Though usually of a positive mindset, the negative talk and thoughts do tend to take over. Catching myself constantly, I wonder if I’ll be able to achieve the positive focus I seek.
Do you have to rethink the negative thoughts each day?
Thanks for the valuable insight, Melissa.
Franny,
Let go of the doubt and step forward in faith. Our doubts are our traitors, as Wayne Dyer says.
You do NOT have to rethink a negative thought ever, instead replace it with a positive one and feel the energy and power of the negative disappear.
It takes continual practice, keep going, you can make it!
Hugs, Melissa
PS. This is something I work on with coaching clients!
Thankyou for sharing this with me. I like to be in that rainbow mind set more and not let that inner voice tell me negative things i don’t wish to listen to.
Thanks Ken,
We all do! Sometimes it is a bit more of a conscious choice than at other times.
Warmly, Melissa
Melissa, I really like your suggestion of writing down all the things you’ve accomplished in life. I did that just now, and it requires a totally different way of seeing things. It FEELS different — like believing the universe is conspiring in your favor.
One way to practice this new way of seeing things is to get an accountability partner and email each other at least one daily ‘win.’ This really gets you focused on the positive. I’ve been doing this with a friend of mine, and it’s changing our lives.
A question for you: I have years and years of journals/notebooks filled with negative self-talk, complaining, voicing my sense of “I’m a victim,” etc. I’m torn on whether or not to keep these writings or let them go? (they span all the way back to my adolescence). I’d estimate they’re 95% crap, 5% treasures… and it’s those few treasures that make me consider hanging onto the journals. What would you do? Throw them out or keep them?
Michelle,
So glad to hear that you are moving forward!! Very exciting.
I’m not one to look back and would advocate you let them go. You’ll hold the treasures in your heart and in your head.
Hugs, Melissa
This post is especially inspiring to me today. I have had a series of events happen and a very negative person in my life that has fueled the self doubt . This place of self doubt that I have been in has essentially stopped me dead in my tracks, the rabbit hole of negative self talk you speak of! I have felt incapable of stepping out of this mentality. I am at a crossroads where critical decisions have to be made. I have no choice but to move forward without fear. “Without fear” is the tough part. I am making my list of accomplishments, trying to focus on them and push through.
Thanks so much for sharing Melissa. Wish me luck. Hugs…
Brandi,
I know very well the influence of a negative person and how they can create self doubt.
You can sooo beat this! Allow the fear and do it anyway.
You don’t need luck, you have YOU and YOU are everything!
Big Hugs, keep me posted,
Melissa