I Love You, Just Not Your Behavior

How to make better choices, Law of Attraction, Richard Bach, Motivational Speaker, Inspirational Speaker, Suicide Speaker, Depression Expert
  1. ollie kennon says:

    Well written and very thoughtful, Melissa.

  2. Edwin says:

    Hi Melissa:

    I read your story,It saddens me to think that people come to this way of thinking. I won’t bore you with my life story,but I like to think I have to see what happens next.

    I have screwed up many times before and the last six month have been a pain. I have been removed from my job due to medical reasons. Now I sit at home all day wondering what other things are wrong with me according to the doctors.
    I feel fine but they say other wise, But life goes on and so do I. With that said keep your chin up and smile you have to stick around to see what happens next.

    PS. I need you to keep writing your post, I don’t read every one but most often yours get read.

    Thanks Melissa Have a good day.

    • Melissa Galt says:

      Edwin,
      Doctors don’t have all the answers. If you feel good then keep going and doing. It’s when we sit and stew that we become sickest of all.

      Oh, no worries, I’m sticking around, my story is far older than this recent friend. I’ve learned to make great choices though I didn’t always.

      Hugs, Melissa

  3. Melissa Galt says:

    Thanks Ollie,

    Always good to see you here!

    Hugs, Melissa

  4. Thank you for this post. Someone in my life is struggling with some similar issues as your friend and I have also been there in the past with others. Every bit of insight and validation we can receive when we are moving through such torments, whether as the central figure or a peripheral one, is good and helpful. I pray this person can get the help needed and begin to make changes and that each person in his life will find a way to view and support him that helps him but maintains their own survival boundaries. Sometimes that is quite a challenge.

    • Melissa Galt says:

      Iris,

      Yes boundaries are critical right now for all of us supporting him. He is gregarious and magnanimous and that can lead easily to overlooking bad behavior in a desire to be there for him.

      Thanks for that precious reminder.

      Hugs, Melissa

  5. Dazzling Dolly Lutz says:

    Dear Melissa,
    I don’t really know you, and your post does sound a little harsh…….and I believe you wrote from your heart. As well as feeling deceived………I believe you are also very hurt………

    I have had 3 friends over the years take their lives.
    Each person played a very different role in my life and I was devastated……especially by the third person’s death.
    He was an amazing man, married with 6 children. The year he took his life, he had just walked a third daughter down the isle for marriage.
    He was extremely successful in business, very wealthy, had a loving wife and hundreds of friends.

    BUT he suffered from debilitating depression that most of us knew nothing about. He managed to keep his “dark side” from almost everyone, including me.
    At first I was so upset and couldn’t stop crying…then I went into anger mode…….HOW could he do such a thing to his family…and friends………and business partners?
    Then I became very sad to think that he didn’t get the help that is available today for depression.

    I have also struggled with “depression” over the years, since my very young childhood…..and there were times I thought of taking my life….everything just seem hopeless.
    Then I came to know the Lord Jesus Christ as my personal Saviour. Now there are still times when things are very hard for me…….I’ve sought professional help several times………even as recently as last year.

    It took me a while to figure out why I considered suicide was an option………I didn’t believe I was valuable or that I was actually lovable. With a lot of help, I know now that isn’t true. GOD loves me, Jesus loved me enough to die for me……..and I have great friends and family who have stood by me all these years.

    I’m glad your friend didn’t die……maybe this will bring everything out in the open so he can get honest with himself, others and God…….and turn his life around.

    I pray for his restoration and for you to be able to trust him again one day…….
    Blessings, Melissa, Keep up the good work.
    Dazzling Dolly Lutz

    • Melissa Galt says:

      Thanks Dolly,

      I am sorry for the losses you have experienced.

      I am perhaps less hurt as I’d thankfully kept some distance than I am incredibly disappointed because of the deception and lies that are coming to the surface.

      I have battled long term depression for over 20 years, and over 10 years ago went through a couple of suicide attempts, though no one knew as mine weren’t pleas for help, they were private decisions to leave. I didnt’ succeed but learned a lot and have moved through that experience.

      I’m very glad that I didn’t indulge in letting everyone know as it saved others a lot of pain. Suicide is rarely about the cirumstances and instead always about the person and their internal beliefs.

      He has a long road to hoe and it won’t be any easier if he doesn’t learn to tell truth from fiction.

      Thanks for your thoughts, always.

      Hugs, Melissa

  6. Sometimes we get deeply buried in our own muck that it becomes quicksand; we can’t breathe and sink further down with every little movement made. I’ve been there too.

    One message that I’m spreading is that although it may seem like it, we are not alone in our thoughts and feelings; someone else is going or has gone through what you are. Having the courage to brave the truth can be frightening, indeed.

    I’m saddened by your post, yet it is one of hope for those who feel less than successful. It is in our minds only that we are unsuccessful or unloved; however, we that the power to change those thoughts, turning them into the new reality.

    If the opportunity is right, I will say this to my clients, “Everyone believes and trusts in you with what you are doing. When will you?”

    Thank you Melissa for sharing this post.

    Dream On!
    PeggyLee

    • Melissa Galt says:

      Thanks PeggyLee,

      While this friend does struggle with lack of success, most perceive him to be successful.

      I think the trap is that he has constructed an illusion that he can’t live into and without a foundation of trust and value he has nothing to stand on.

      I am hoping that he will develop a true picture of himself, his gifts, and the value of honesty and start the journey to a healed and healthy life.

      Hugs, Melissa

  7. Janice says:

    Melissa, I want to thank you from the bottom of my heart. In your time of pain and wonderment, you have thought beyond your own feelings of betrayal and yearn to reach out/teach others so that their own pain may be lessened. Bless you!

    • Melissa Galt says:

      Janice,

      Thank you so much for letting me know this is helpful. I always hesitate on posts of such a personal nature.

      I’ll be doing a bit more on this as I know more than most and too many prefer to bury their heads in the sand.

      Kind of on pins and needles right now waiting for news to see if this friend is released this week or if they keep him.

      There have been a lot of inconsistencies in his “stories,” and I, for one, am glad to see the web unravel. It caught to many and ultimately him.

      Hugs, Melissa

  8. Dream Warrior Jenni P says:

    Hmm it seems to be a very cathartic time Melissa. Other brave, bright souls have taken that route this last week too.

    The price of ‘success’ can be very high if we’re not aligned to our purpose. If we don’t have a purpose, what’s the point?? Of anything actually.

    Your friend obviously isn’t , if he lied to loved ones. Lying is such a sign of dis-harmony. Actually, even more so than pushing the emergency exit button, because it implies the deception of others, as you say, Melissa.

    However, (this is wise Jenni talking lol)
    our RE-ACTION IS OUR RESPONSE-ability. Take of this or any drama that which will serve us..
    Your experiencehere reminds me:

    to keep re-aligning and re-adjusting to purpose DAILY!
    to savour the precious transience of this existence
    to make sure I tell my loved ones ‘I love you, no ‘Buts’.

    Ever present,

    Jenni P

    • Melissa Galt says:

      Jenni,

      You are right, there are no “buts.” Simply a decision to separate the person from their unacceptable and painful behavior so I can continue to love them as a friend.

      I am fast learning that love doesn’t mean understand and on some days it doesn’t even mean like them. The tricky bit for me is to love in the absence of respect, for I struggle to respect the lack of integrity and deliberate deception. Perhaps the way through is the realization that the worst deception wrought is on himself and that is what must be healed first.

      Hugs, Melissa

  9. Ann says:

    Melissa and everyone who’s posted,
    You offer a wonderful example of how our sharing and openness can help expand our perspective, and what is possible for us. There are so many ways we interpret a suicide attempt, so many stories we tell. One of the most useful tools I’ve found, for both the attempter and those who care for him/her, is a book called The Power of TED*. TED* stands for The Empowerment Dynamic, and it’s really a book about shifting from seeing ourselves as victims (which is usually focused on what we don’t want/fear) to becoming clear about what we do want, and then moving in that direction, one baby step at a time. Melissa, I’m guessing you and your friends may find it very valuable at a time like this. The book is available through Amazon or Barnes and Noble, or you can learn more at David’s web site http://www.PowerofTED.com.

    All my best, Ann

    • Melissa Galt says:

      Thanks Ann,

      Oh, he’s not a victim though I think he thinks he is. We are each co-creators of everything in our lives from our relationships to our careers, our health to our homes.

      What is challenging is to empower someone who hasn’t turned on their internal empowerment. The other catch is the addiction to drama and severe codependency. Yes, he is totally capable of moving forward, each of us is. It is whether or not we step up and out to grasp our greatest gift, ourselves.
      Thanks so much, I’ll definitely check out the book.

      Hugs, Melissa

  10. Melissa, thank you for your very thoughtful and valuable post.

    So much value in that you wrote that I expect that each of us will hear something different in your message. The comments that have been posted so far suggest that each of us has a different takeaway from your post.

    My heart goes out to this man. I hope that you and other friends will be able to get him to use some professional help. No matter how much we thing we might be experienced with what someone is experiencing. I believe the best course is always to get the person professional help when the person’s actions threaten their well being.

    Past that, I hope that you will make taking care of yourself a priority. It is far too easy to get sucked into the depth of another’s problems. Walking the line between being a friend, at a time of need, and getting sucked into the vortex of their problems is one of life’s toughest challenges.

    As someone who benefits from your advice and friendship, I am hoping that you will make your own self care a top priority (my favorite book on the subject is Cheryl Richardson’s, The Art of Extreme Self Care).

    Finally, kudos for taking the time to process the lessons from this sad turn of events. As the fabulous Wayne Dyer taught me many years ago, “teachers will appear.”

    Rooting for you (and your friend), and so thankful for all the good you do in this world.

    • Melissa Galt says:

      Dave,
      What a treat to see you here! Yes, he is getting professional help, just not sure of the format and for how long.

      Yes, I am taking care of me. This has raised a lot of questions for me on many levels, a lot I’m not sure how to convey just yet.

      I’m a huge Dyer fan and also appreciate
      Richardson’s work.

      I will take your words and care to heart.

      Hugs, Melissa

  11. stephanie says:

    I Trust that your friends inability to see with awareness his own Self…..is at the root of his deception. I still carry that “everyone is doing the best that they can”. As witness to my own Life process, I can honestly say….I am doing the best I can in a given moment. It is in the interpretation of what is BEST that we can get lost. That doing can change in a moment as we know but whatever block that exists is very real when we are experiencing it. Never again can anyone take that from me and neither can they give it to me. Everything that we are is inside of us. It has always been and always will be. Whether we can access it is another story. Compassion is the ability to see beyond the act and to share the pain of one’s core experience. Anyone attempting suicide is in great pain (((unless it is a staged event to gather attention and they are just acting))). Victim is just a word. We are all victims…as well as not. Sounds to me like he suffers from his own lack of self love. Join the Club!!

    As a long time survivor of suicide with a pattern towards the tendency to want to check out when my worlds loses it’s light and my heart it’s spark, I can speak from the place of “no choice but to feel compassion and offer forgiveness.” Anything other masks and shadows pieces of a precious inner self that must have light in order to survive. I feel we are all the same in that way whether we are aware of it or not.

    Thank you Melissa for sharing this tender experience and opening doors for others to meet in that vibration. It is more common than most want to admit …and becoming more common in this modern day and time.

    • Melissa Galt says:

      Stephanie,

      What a beautiful and thoughtful comment, thank you.

      I agree entirely that “everything we are is inside of us. It has always been and always will be.” And you are right it can be tricky to access it. I also think that too often we give up on accessing way too soon and thereby start cheating ourselves and others of our true and wonderful self.

      There is a real concern from my perspective that this was not more than an attempt to gather attention, it feels that way for many reasons and details I haven’t shared.

      But since only he knows what is true motive was, it would be inappropriate for me to judge that.

      Instead it is best when I can feel the compassion (I understand the pain), and move into forgiveness.

      Hugs, Melissa

  12. Victoria Reeve says:

    Thank you for sharing, Melissa. Speaking of suicide has been such a social taboo, but a problem unacknowledged is a problem that continues unchecked. It is a good thing to shine a light on this topic.

    My friend buried her son yesterday. He was only 29, in peak physical health, had two beautiful young children, numerous real friends and a strong support network. Even so, he chose to take his life. Many people think that it was result of a broken relationship, but the breakup was the result of his incredibly negative mindset. There were so many red flags, but no matter what help was offered, it was met with a ‘yeah, but’. It does sound harsh, but the blunt truth is that he chose to be a martyr, to play the victim and to wallow. I understand deep depression (been there, done that), but it is still a struggle to understand how someone could choose to bring so much devastation to his family and friends. His mother will never get past blaming herself – after all, a mother’s job is to equip her children to live their lives. His children are reeling; all children tend to blame themselves when a parent dies, even when it is through illness or an accident. My heart is breaking for these two young ones, who will forever feel that there must be something dreadfully wrong with them that their father preferred to hang himself than to be their daddy. They will eventually learn that their feeling of responsibility for his death is not logical, but the feeling and the damage done to their sense of self-worth will remain, nonetheless. And, is there anything more manipulative and abusive to a former partner than to lay the blame for the suicide at their feet?

    Anyone who has been to ‘the black hole’, where everything seems grim and without hope, can feel compassion for someone who cannot seem to find their way out of the sludge and the pain. Sometimes, though, the sympathy is tempered with anger at the emotional debris they leave in their wake – and then, of course, one feels guilty for being angry with the actions of someone who was so bereft of hope that they killed themselves.

    Your friend has caused damage and hurt by his choices, but at least he survived his attempt and has a chance to learn from this, to grow in authenticity. He has a chance to embrace life and be happy. I hope he quickly gets to a place where he realizes what a gift he’s been given and grabs onto it with everything he’s got.

    • Melissa Galt says:

      Victoria,

      I feel for your friend and her loss. Until this event, I honestly didn’t realize the hurt and devastation that is left in the wake of an event like this, even when unsuccessful.

      I am not close to family, my mom passed over 25 years ago and father is out of touch with everyone. Sisters scattered to the winds, though my younger one and I talk about 6x a year.

      It is never outward circumstances that create this, you are right. It is inward and challenging to comprehend the depths of pain even when I’ve been there.

      Thanks you for sharing your experience and your thoughts always.

      Hugs, Melissa

  13. Connie says:

    Melissa,

    I’m so glad your friend survived. I have loved ones who suffer from depression. It’s so hard to watch them suffering and not be able to make everything better for them.

    The only thing we can do is let them know we love them and are there for them. You have experienced both side of depression so are in a good position to be of support to your friend.

    I pray that he will seek the help that he needs and will come out stronger.

    Best wishes and prayers.

    • Melissa Galt says:

      Thanks Connie,

      I think each of us who has been through this has a very different experience. Being of support kind of hinges on what he asks for and needs most.

      Proceeding with cautious optimism.

      Hugs, Melissa

  14. Danielle says:

    This is a great article, but I have trouble fully understanding this concept and I would like your help. If a person isn’t their behavior, then how do we define who we are? Our beliefs make up who we are and our beliefs determine our behaviors. I understand the power of “I AM” and how we have to separate our feelings from our true selves, but what about those that rape and kill? Is it incorrect to label them as rapists and murderers because they are only rapists and murderers while committing the act?

    • Melissa Galt says:

      Danielle,
      I’m certainly not suggesting that a rapist or murderer isn’t responsible for their actions, or any other criminal for that matter. That’s not what this post is about.

      It is about being able to love someone even when they’ve done something very hurtful, deceptive or unacceptable. It’s a choice I made, not everyone would have. Ultimately the person I wrote about here had a second suicide attempt, he was successful.

      I lost an amazing friend to the dark side. I will always love the friend I had regardless of his behavior because I am able to see who he was without the behavior.

      I hope this make some sense. It is a personal decision and I am not applying to this to greater society and criminals but to a single relationship.

      Hugs, Melissa

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