School Daze
Recently, I traveled up to Castine Maine for my first high school reunion. Now, while it was my first, it wasn’t the first, in fact I’d been out of touch with my classmates for over three decades. High school wasn’t an experience I wanted to relive or even celebrate, it was instead a time I had closed the door on and wasn’t too crazy about reopening that door. Afterall I’d not fit in well as a West Coast teen coming East, heck I didn’t even speak the same adolescent language and still remember getting laughed at for expressions I used. Ouch!
Stepping Through the Fear
There are two reasons I went, the first was because this was a private event, created by a couple of classmates and it wasn’t being held on campus in Groton, Massachusetts. Instead this was about all of us gathering in the picturesque town of Castine, Maine where a fellow graduate had a bed and breakfast. If I was going to tackle this, I wasn’t prepared to do it with the painful memories that might surface.
The second reason was because I found the idea of attending entirely terrifying and I’ve learned that to move forward, one must often step out in faith and walk through the fear. This was a golden opportunity to walk my talk! By my logic, I’d bungee jumped and skydived, surely I could face a reunion with my peers.
(Oh, and in case you are thinking it was my parent’s idea to send me to boarding school, rest assured it was all my idea. I wanted a top drawer high school education since I didn’t plan to go to college. Having spent three years in a Los Angeles public school I knew I needed a better option.)
Baby Steps to Success
Initially I’d planned to fly into Portland, Maine, the nearest major airport and rent a car. Castine was a three hour drive. Then a classmate offered a ride and I shifted plans to accomodate an overnight in Portland, so I could ease into the socialization. Happily he proved to be a great conversationalist, always stories to tell, history to share and we likely hadn’t said more than five words to each other in the three years we were at school.What a wonderful difference growing up can make!
Feeling a bit more confident, when we arrived at the Inn, I got settled and headed out for a walk. Coming back in, I ran into a cluster of classmates, newly arrived and catching up. There were hugs all around (this was a total surprise to me as none were really friends in school). Everyone was gracious, welcoming, accepting, interested, and interesting. I was beginning to think this might not be so bad, I might actually have fun (I definitely had fallen short while at school.)
Time Really Does Heal All Wounds
Time is especially good at healing the self inflicted kind and evidently there were a lot of us who struggled to get through. I’d just been so self focused that I was sure it was only me. The reality is that it is never just us, there is always someone and often several someones who are going through exactly what we are going through. When we step outside of our own tiny worlds, we’ll find them and be able to connect.
This was nothing like the school crowd I’d remembered. Could it be that I’d been harboring the fear and painful memories of my boarding school experience for far too long? At dinner we all sat in the dining room. My greatest fear, haunting me from school, was that I’d be at a table by myself. But imagine my delight and surprise when my former room mate (I’d been in a triple and I was odd gal out) asked if she could join me and another classmate did as well. Suddenly I found myself belonging in a way that was totally unfamiliar and yet totally wanted at the same time.
Finding Your Tribe
And then I realized that probably the greatest lesson in all of this was that all of us, in our own ways, had been searching for our tribe as Seth Godin likes to call it. We’d been looking for where we belonged. Some found it in sports and being on a team (not me); others found it in their studies (not me). And still others found it in being rebellious and partyers (definitely not me.) I remained lost, wandering on the fringes and afraid to reach out, rejection possible at every turn.
Moving Forward
Now I have a choice. I can bemoan the years I lost to these old limiting beliefs and feelings or I can simply move forward lighter and brighter with new friends coming from my old classmates and a fresh perspective. I’m going for the forward momentum.
I’d love to hear your stories of class reunions and what you took away. More lessons on this one coming . . . comment here!
Hi Melissa
I have never attended a reunion – as I also never felt I fit in at school (I’m sure I’m not alone out of my former classmates, just like you!)
Next year there is a final reunion (the private school I went to closed down a number of years back) and I plan to attend. Instead of having a rebellious “I’ll show them how cool I turned out” attitude, I’m looking forward to being a grown up and finding the common ground between us now.
Thanks for sharing your story!
Kate
Kate,
And I’m betting you will find they have grown up to and let go of the cliques, the better than you attitude, and the need to prove themselves.
It was remarkable. I’ve got more to share on this as there was definitely a painful moment that I still want to erase, but time does heal all.
Hugs, Melissa
PS. Glad to know always that I’m not alone.
Hi Melissa.
You would think there would be many of your readers who would love to share their story. Maybe I’m wrong (I hope not) but many times we just want to hide those years for what ever the reason.
I’m just silly that way “one of those fears you face” right?
I came from a different country and a different language to Canada, this in it self was a big change. I still don’t have the language skills to write with out spell check, and what about those funny marks that you need.
I have no idea why their there or is it there there you see. Some how I made it thru school but being one of the biggest kids in grade 7 did help. Yup you said it SCHOOL DROP OUT I did go back for some education later.
But it wasn’t English ha ha, truck driving, cabinet making, and that kind of stuff. I did improve my reading and writing skills(not much) but now I can read a page.
My story would take for ever but I’ll cut to the chase, I did attend one of the reunions and I missed the next one. I still wonder what happened to some of the class mates. I see one or two of the girls now and then but we don’t talk (we weren’t friends) that maybe why. One of the boys lives close to town, him I don’t like much. The rest are scattered to different places.
Now you see I need to learn to keep it short and sweet but I’m long winded. This could be why I don’t see them they don’t want to be board to death with my LOOOOONG story’s.
Edwin
Edwin,
It depends a lot on the individuals and the school. I think we all had more in common that we realized and growing up made it easier to connect. Even those I barely spoke to in school, and there were plenty, were really friendly and we had lots to talk about.
I also find that being interested in them vs. interesting in sharing my own story makes a difference.
Warmly, Melissa
Hi Melissa,
Thanks so much for sharing a great story that I think leaves so many feeling exactly the way you shared. I have never attended my high school reunion – like you no desire having gone to a new high school knowing no one. Made a few friends but they weren’t my tribe.
Just a few weeks ago I had the opportunity to go to my elementary school reunion (1st through 8th Catholic school) that was held privately as well. What a joy it was to go and see faces of those I felt had been my tribe with so many that I had not seen in 40 years! While several of those classmates have remained my BFF’s all these years (our mothers were the best of friends as well) most I had never talked to again after 8th grade graduation. Everyone bringing their stories of just as you shared things they had remembered in other ways for all these years. It was a close intimate setting and I highly enjoyed it and recommend it!
Having recently lost both my parents it so helped in the healing process in discovering who I am. You are right…sometimes you have to get clear on where you have been to indeed figure out where you are going. Especially in matters of the heart that spill out into all we are and do.
Nice way to start my day. Thanks again!
Cheri
Cheri,
You are very welcome. I really haven’t stayed in touch with anyone, though I did stay in touch with a parent or two since I lost mine at only 24.
It does make a difference. Wish I’d been able to preserve the friendships but since I moved schools often (never did sort out why, I was doing well, lol) it made it hard to keep up at that age.
Congrats for going back and so glad you reconnected.
Hugs, Melissa
Mary,
You are so right! We are much more alike than we are different and that even extended to political leanings interestingly enough in this case. My class was only 80 kids, yet there were a lot of cliques and self proclaimed tribes, like the “jocks,” “the immaculetes,” “the brains,” “the dramatists,” and more.
Oh, believe me the confidence I have I didn’t start out with, I have raised myself into that. That is why I am able to help others with theirs, I’ve been where they are! LOL.
And yes, mastering the art of being interested in others instead of merely interesting makes these kind of functions a whole lot better.
Always great to hear from you!
Hugs, Melissa
Melissa, I’m always surprised when you share your insecurities because you seem so confident in your writing and in person. What I love about school reunions is the revelation about how similar we all were and how much easier it could have been if we just could have relaxed and let down our guards a bit. However, letting down our guards is totally opposite to what we feel we can do as young people. My last year’s 40th reunion was as much fun as the 10th, 15th, 25th, and 30th ones were. I think I summed it up as I replied to a former football star, who I would never have had the nerve to speak to back then, when he noted he didn’t think we knew one another in school, “Yes, but we should have!” We are often more alike than we are different. My tip in these potentially awkward situations is pick someone out who looks as uncomfortable as we feel and strike up a conversation…where do you live now…is this your first reunion…do you have good memories of high school…let’s see if we can’t make some great ones from this reunion! Thanks for sharing your experience. I’m waiting with baited breath for your next story. Smiles, Mary
Melissa,
Thank you for sharing your story. I , too found high school to be a bit daunting but I have to say we never truly see ourselves as others do. I have run into old class mates and the person they described in high school (me) didn’t fit with what I thought I was. I was surprised in a postive way. I also realize we can spend so much wasted time in our heads when we can push through the fear or “fake it until you make it” and enjoy our time.
Hey Sonya,
I know that feeling, honestly I didn’t fit the image I think I had either.
Fortunately no one even used my old nicknames this trip so I had a chance to create an entirely new impression. Fun and necessary!
Hugs, Melissa
Hi Melissa…
Very much enjoyed your article! I too never felt like I fit it. I actually attended my elementary school years in a 1 room school house…with outhouses & no running water! We pumped water from the pumphouse and carried in daily! It was seriously the BEST years of my life! However when I was in 6th grade, all the ‘country schools’ in the state were closed…that was in 1967…and I had to go to the “big town” school. For me it was going from a school of 19, and my grade/class size of 2, to over 100 kids in the 7th grade. It was terrifying!
I didnt attend any of my class reunions til our 35th reunion in 2008. A friend of mine nearly dragged me there. It was rather funny tho, as I walked in and honestly thought I was in the wrong place, as I didnt recognize a single person! —and someone thought it was a ‘good’ idea to not have name tags!
Once I began to recognize some it was very interesting—I notice mostly how the ‘clicky’ kids were very down to earth. Those I never spoke to in highschool, were very friendly, and quite easy to talk to. My girlfriend who made me go, said that only the last couple reunions have really been like that….that the earlier ones still had some of the ‘caste’ system going between who was popular, sport and town kids vs unpopular, academic & farm kids!
I rarely see anyone from that group, but I would go to my next reunion, and maybe not be so nervous, as most of them are just getting through life like me. And the few that still had ‘attitude’, well, they’ll probably never change, and they were truly in the minority.
Thanks!
Brenda
Brenda,
Yes we seem to outgrow the clickyness and oddly almost everyone was pretty recognizable except me, since I’m a late bloomer and came from being a true fat kid.
So great to hear your story!
Hugs, Melissa
Hi Melissa,
What a relate-able topic! I keep getting friend requests from high school classmates on Facebook and my initial reaction is serious!?! We weren’t friends in high school, but now you want to connect? Huh? I usually accept and give people the benefit of the doubt. Those friend requests just like reunion is an opportunity to see how much you have grown over the years.
I also find that it’s a great business move. There are the people that have stayed in the same area as high school, but there are so many that live all over the world and you get to introduced what you are doing. It’s funny how we expected greatness out of someone and you would now not trade lives for anything. There are the ones that you didn’t except great things from and you now get to be inspired by them.
Nora,
Great point on the biz side, I’m already looking for ways to connect my classmates to potential clients and deals. And yes, they do have powerful networks.
I have a feeling, based on conversation, I am likely the most fluent online and definitely in social marketing but that’s no surprise.
The only creepy factor is when an ex-boyfriend wants to connect and I always wonder why?
Hugs, Melissa
Hi, Melissa —
It was great reading of your reunion experience! My high school days were similar to yours, and I wasn’t looking forward to reliving most of that feeling of not belonging.
But I went to my 10th reunion anyway, and it was just about the same as I remembered. Attended the 40th a few years ago, and what a difference!
Just as you described, almost everyone was friendly and glad to see me — including some who I frankly didn’t remember. And it was amazing to see some who (like me) hadn’t changed at all, and others who “couldn’t be” who their name tag said they were!
All in all, a great experience, and I hope we have a 50th in a few years. If we do, I’ll be there.
Thanks for the memories…
Thanks Ken,
You have helped me imagine that going back sooner might not have been as rewarding. YAY! Timing is everything.
And, of course, not being on campus made a big difference. Evidently I wasn’t the only one who felt that way and we are looking forward to another event without the memories of hallowed halls!
Warmly, Melissa
Had that breakthrough at my first reunion at 10 years. The most popular girl is my class and I were walking down the hall together and she said “I always wished I was like you – you were sweet and smart.” WOW, that was amazing. I didn’t even think she knew who I was. All that matters is RIGHT NOW!
Marilyn,
You go! That is awesome. I can safely say I don’t think anyone wished they were me for any number of reasons but glad I am who I am today and weathered the experience of those years.
Awesome!
Melissa