Let me tell you, right up front, this isn’t easy. In fact, it’s hard and it takes persistence and consistence to master it. So if you want to stop reading right now, go ahead. Keep leading the small life you have, the frustrating existence and give up those big dreams and the ability to thrive not just survive. You deserve better, of course, but until you step up and start doing the real work, it isn’t going to happen.
Ready? Okay, then I’m going to give you a secret that has totally transformed my life in business and personally.
Let go. That’s it, that’s the whole thing. Just let go.
When someone comes at you in a confrontational manner, when you are feeling attacked, don’t attack back. Don’t defend. Just let it wash over you. This is their stuff, let them own it. Don’t take it on. The minute you take it on, it becomes yours. It owns you and you are no longer in charge but instead you have jumped into that cycle of reacting.
I’m not suggesting you do nothing. I am telling you to ACT, and relinquish the chaos that comes with reacting. This is a very hard lesson to learn. It has taken me years to master this and I still lapse into reacting at times. But it is far better to master this some or most of the time than not at all. Reaction is based on emotion and we all know that emotions are often irrational. It is when every other part of us operates except our brain, the part we need the most.
Let me share a personal example of this. There was a contractor I was dealing with and he was jumping up and down in email about a balance owed of $135. (That isn’t a typo.) He had been paid in full of $15,000, but this was with held because there was incomplete and unsatisfactory workmaship. So for less than 1% of the total job he threateded legal action.
My first response was to react, get irate, be angry, defensive or fall to pieces with anxiety. But when I let go, I let him own this nonsense (and it was nonsense) I was able to step back, allow my brain to kick in and create a rational, well thought out reply, and not allow myself to fall into the rabbit hole of chaos and negative energy that he was generating.
So, here’s the bottom line. When you want to truly live that Ghandi mantra “be the change you wish to see in the world,” it is about letting go and at the same time you are keeping control. Designing your life is about keeping control of your emotions, you are guiding your steps with thought, and your actions become mindful instead of random or reckless.
I urge you to try this for just a week. It will take some getting used to and you will definitely slide off many times, climb back up. Take a deep breath and when confronted by an unpleasant situation, first let go and then engage your brain before you allow your emotions to run away with a reaction.
I would love to hear from you! What has affected you in your business or personal life that you just can’t let go? Leave me a comment with your own story and how you dealt with it – would you have handled it differently today?
Don’t forget to Subscribe to my RSS feed, Like me on Facebook, or Follow me on Twitter!
Hi Melissa,
Isn’t childhood what your spend the rest of your life trying to overcome? There are numerous childhood memories that seem to keep popping up for me. There are lessons and says that have had a lasting impact and that I am working on releasing them. It’s amazing what we hold onto without realizing it.
Fear comes up when we let go of something we have embraced for a long time, but when you do…how freeing!
Thank you!! Hugs!
Nora,
Are you familiar with the work of Byron Katie? Check out her resources section at http://www.thework.com and look up the One Belief exercise. Powerful and energizing and there are continual things that come up that can be released faster with the help of this activity.
Hugs, Melissa
Melissa,
How can you leave us hanging like that? 🙂
I was reading faster, so I could get to the part where you showed us your reply to this contractor!
And my urgency was to no avail! Not even a “come back tomorrow”.:(
Please show us…please?
Dave,
I’m sorry! I wrote him a detailed email about why I was withholding monies and what his unsatisfactory workmanship had cost me. I didn’t hear from him again and also shared the details with a community of design professionals so they wouldn’t have to go through what I went through with him. I didn’t tell him that, but I’ve learned that often the best comeback is a quiet one that simply lets a circle of people he would want to work with and are in the space to hire him, know clearly he is not of the quality needed.
Hope this answers your question. I also ensure that in anything like this I keep all communication in email or snail mail so written records are maintained. Writing forces you to leave the emotion out.
Thanks for reading!
Melissa
Hi Melissa,
What great timing on this one. A type A like you this issue of letting emotion guide my response has been my mantra for my whole life. And it can be painful but I AM getting better:) Recently I wrote an article for an internal staff newsletter I edit about a delightful young woman from Macedonia who works for the company and who has overcome many challenges to succeed in Canada, including being a published author in a book for and by new Canadians. She is very proud of her heritage including the fact that Alexander the Great is from Macedonia and this unbridled enthusiasm came through in the article. Many people have told me how moved they were by her story. Except one. Yesterday at end of the workday I received a poisonous email from a co-worker (who I don’t know) of Greek descent claiming Alexander the Great came from a different province of Macedonia on the Greek side. I respect her conern for the error but didn’t appreciate the venomous and belittling attack on the the young woman featured in the article. She demanded I print a retraction correcting this historical error and on and on. I started to type a response defending the young woman but then stopped and started again realizing that this was about something else — possibly emotion surrounding the recent events in Greece, pressures at work that we are all under right now, or just plain jealousy for another’s success. I responded that I had researched this fact as part of my job as editor and as such the error was mine as well and thanked her for clarifying these distinctions. Within seconds she hammered back again looking for a retraction, clearly just looking for someone to blame. At this point I felt my lack of response would speak volumes and left it at that and will respond when I have a plan. That leaves me in charge of the correction that I will draft for the newsletter that is respectful for all concerned. Now where did I put my atlas!!
Leanne,
Good on you (as they say in Oz!) Keeping your cool and taking your time in replying is always the best way. I used to be trigger happy with my send button but fast learned the art of a thoughtful and well crafted reply.
Having dated a Greek more than once and spent time over there, you are in a tricky spot. It almost doesn’t matter what the history books say, they are very nationalistic and have been known to borrow history and claim it for theirs, lol.
You are right, it doesn’t help having the financial debacle going on and economic woes and worries.
I know you will find the best answer.
Hugs, Melissa
I often credit Melody Beattie’s “The Language of Letting Go” with being the daily meditation book that began to open my awareness and forever altered my way of being in the world. Years since that discovery, I read your post with a smile, reminded of how powerful the practice is.
May peace be with you always-
Nanette
Thanks Nanette,
I didn’t know about this book but will be sure to pick it up. It is an invaluable tool to making life rosier . .
Hugs, Melissa